Afraid: Novena, Day Four

Afraid

Novena: Day Four

Did I believe I had a clear mind?

It was like the water of a river

flowing shallow over the ice.  And now

that the rising water has broken

the ice, I see what I thought

was the light is part of the dark.

                                                                Wendell Berry   

                                                                Breaking

It’s natural right?  It’s absolutely natural

for kids to be afraid

of the dark.  Right?  To be tucked

under the warm scratch

of the Army wool and go into (shallow

or deep depending

on who’s been

drinking) a dream or at least

asleep away from being afraid

in the light because that isn’t

natural or even allowed, (being afraid
in the light) and only

tolerated in the way

shitting in a public restroom is

tolerated, all ridicule and pee-

ewe.  It’s the fragrance of shame

and doesn’t it dog me all the way

into the day.  But what in day

fades and makes some faces

wane with their own pane

to slide a smile yours or my way

is larger in the dark and I’ll tell you

I wanted, one: to not

be afraid of it or, better, 

two: to have a knight beside me while

we stole out of bed the both of us

                to go to the bathroom.

And we were small enough to stand

side by side on the stairs

and smart enough to whisper or not

talk at all and even when we got there

we knew we couldn’t

make the flush gurgle

so we never pushed the handle

and nobody ever said anything seeing

what we’d left there

after we’d kept it, pinched it in

until we made it to relief.

Still we wondered who’d ever catch us

who would flush the rest of it

while we crept and laid bets about who

would pee the bed

and every time

you cried and I just couldn’t save you

in the daytime because didn’t we know

the both of us,

that the light never saves you

from the dark.  Instead it strips you

to your rash and the red ulcers

on your bottom erupting

after the slaps

and the sound of your sheets

in the wind

on the line make you shake

sometimes when we go out to play.